10 years

10 years ago tonight I remember sitting under the stars pleading with the dark sky for answers. Searching for my dad. It was 3 days after he died and the night before his 65th birthday and his funeral.

Tonight when I went outside I didn't even need to turn on the porch light. The light of the full moon is shining down. I'm going to moon bathe for a bit and soak up its energy. The sky looks different now. People said it would happen; that time would change things and it would get easier. I couldn't believe them then and I'm not sure I believe it now either. But somehow I've changed.

My dad would be 75 tomorrow, August 18.

Last week I got to celebrate the birthday of a very special 99-year-old. I wished my tiny, spunky, we-don't-know-exactly-how-old-she-is friend who sees me every week a happy birthday. I made Sean his favorite birthday cake, and I keep thinking about my life 15 years ago when my Natalie's heart and mine became one on the day of her birth, August 20. A man who has shared so much wisdom with me and allows me to continue to train him in the movement art of Jungshin will be celebrating his 80th also on August 20. And Brendan one week from today, on August 24, is going to be 17. My "little man", as I called him, is now truly a young man, changing before my eyes.

These lives, these people, what they teach me, the gifts they have given me are beyond words. Time didn't change things. We did.

When I'm in my most worn out state, exhausted from the energy of all the lives and stories that typically nourish me, a disruption in who I surround myself with occurred. It left me unarmed and vulnerable, and its effect was like a stone being skipped into calm water; a ripple. Like all disruptions, it was unwelcome and has been sitting very heavy on my heart. I needed that reality check, to hit bottom, so that I could learn and rise above. God shone that light on me tonight. He lifted a weight, I finally feel light. The moon, the words from people who remind me who I am and what my purpose is, the unplanned meeting of so many warriors in the Energy Lab tonight, the love from my mom and older sister and her family and of absolutely incredible friends offering help to our family as Sean came out of surgery today, some nerves being re-aligned in his body and an obvious sense of light and ease despite the healing process to undergo. Wow, God is present and his gentle reminders finding their ways to my heart have helped me to see this sky differently tonight. There is no pleading, only peace.

perhaps they are not the stars

"The stars are openings in the sky where our loved ones shine down on us." As much as I'm feeling the rays of the moon tonight, I keep finding myself drawn to a cluster of stars far off to the right. It's nice to smile at those and know that he is there. My dad. Happy birthday. I love you.